Online dating is a great way to meet new friends, form meaningful relationships and even find that special someone. It's entirely legitimate, safe and secure - provided you take common sense precautions.
Online dating - doing it safely
Of course there is no practical way to make meeting a stranger absolutely safe, but here are some effective ways to help reduce the risk.
Before the first date!
- Get an anonymous e-mail account.
NEVER post your real name anywhere online. Remove it from chat programs, and any email accounts that you use for recreational correspondence. If you need to get one, try MailPride.com, Hotmail, Yahoo Mail, or Gmail.
REMEMBER, the name that you enter in your account is often displayed as the sender's name in an email inbox. For example, John Smith has an account with Ozemail.com.au, and uses the name Johnny. To contact John, you would type in the name Johnny@ozemail.com.au, however, if the account name box is checked, his email address will appear as 'from' sender "John Smith". If you are unsure, do a test email to yourself and see what name comes up as the sender.
A PRECAUTIONARY TIP: Hotmail provides all members with the option to BLOCK SENDER which is an ideal feature if you want to discontinue correspondence with someone who is persisting with sending you emails.
- Take time!
Nothing will give you better prospective than time! Has your date's habits, mood or language inexplicably changed? Are you becoming more suspicious of something with time; perhaps something just doesn't feel right?
While there is never a right or wrong time to meet, we recommend that you exchange at least half a dozen emails prior to meeting, and make sure that you chat via phone before you meet. Romance and relationships take time, and if it's that someone special, what's the hurry!
- Get a phone number!
VERY IMPORTANT: Remember to block caller-ID's until you choose to give your number, which should apply to both your home phone, work phone and mobile/cellular phone. Note that if you have been asked to call an 800# its likely that your phone number will be recorded on the recipient's phone bill.
Talk on the phone a few times... what can you hear in the background? Do background noises match the information you have been told? Is the household supposed to have children, pets, etc.? Listen, Listen, Listen!
- Verify the phone number!
Call Directory Assistance and insure that your date's phone number matches the name they gave you. If your date's number is unlisted, Directory Assistance will verify that 'so and so' has a number, but it is unlisted.
- Call at unanticipated times!
Someone who cherishes you will always delight to take your call! Does someone unexpected answer the phone? Does your date seem irritable that you are calling unexpectedly? Perhaps they have something to hide.. Don't be a pest, but try a couple of unanticipated times... just to sense the temperature...
- Ask to have a family/friends photo!
Is your date a 'family man?' Is he proud of his children/family? Do the kids/family seem to match the details you were told? If they don't have family around, get a picture of them with their friends.
- Get a physical address and mail a card.
Use a return address that will not reveal your identity or your physical address (i.e. just use your screen name and a PO Box or work address) and see if the card is returned for any reason. Allow a minimum of 10 days to receive returned mail if the address turns out to be bogus. This is particularly important if you're meeting someone from overseas.
- Ask about previous relationships.
Although what's past is past, if you're thinking of this person as a life-long partner. Was your date previously married? In any long term relationships? Why did they end? Does there seem to be any remorse? Should there be? Does your date seem to have recovered from the separation or dissolving of the relationship? Always ask "What would the other person say about you?" Listen, listen, listen! If it feels right, ask questions. If it all feels wrong, ask questions. Clarify! If it doesn't seem to add up, it might not!
For the first date!
- Clarify everyone's expectations.
Nothing hurts a relationship or friendship more than poor communication! If you are both on the same wavelength you are less likely to get hurt. If you are not on the same wavelength, perhaps its best to wait until you are! If you're travelling overseas to meet, see the OVERSEAS section below.
- Always use common sense.
Just because you have known someone online for some time, do not let down your guard any sooner than with a 'traditional' date. Be careful about giving out your phone number and/or address. Also be very cautious about saying that you live "alone" when you're giving out details. Mention that you have an "overly nosey neighbor", or that friends always drop by unexpectedly.
- Double date if possible/or meet with a group
Your best friend is dying for the details anyway! If you judge that to be too awkward, ask if perhaps your best friend might also take in the same activities and kind of keep an eye peeled for you!
- ALWAYS conduct early dates in very public places
Go to a restaurant in the mall. Go to a club at a hotel. Always be near other people. If you want to take a walk hand in hand, let it be in the mall. Want the great outdoors? Walk near the surf on a popular beach.
- AVOID relying on your date for transportation
If you want to end the date or need to end the date, don't be left in the unenviable position of being reliant to their transportation. Do not leave your car behind! Come alone, leave alone, for every date until you are absolutely certain you know them.
- Think Ahead
Know in advance where police and fire stations are so you know where you can get help if needed. Anticipate some snags, and pre-plan your response.
- Never leave your food or beverages unattended.
Powerful new drugs exist that can make you prey to the other person's wishes and hardly recall anything in the morning. If you start to feel ill, insist on calling a friend or taking a cab if you are too ill to drive home.
- Let someone know your plans.
Tell someone who you are going to be with, including name & phone number. If its convenient, notice your date's license plate number and leave the information on your answering machine at home or with a friend. Agree to be home at a certain hour, or to call someone to let them know you will be late.
Travelling Overseas to Meet your "Mate"
- Make out a detailed itinerary
Provide family/friends a day-by-day itinerary of what you'll be doing
- Arrange to call family/friends at home
Arrange a call time (taking into account international time differences).Make sure you do call, regardless of what "obstacles" may come up. Protect yourself!
- Be aware of social/cultural and religious differences
Remember that regardless of how wonderful and ideal the other person sounds via email and on the phone, if you're travelling overseas to meet that someone special, there are often significant societal, cultural and religious differences that may impact your overall impression of that person. Discuss these BEFORE you go, and make sure that your values and expectations are mutual.
